Whilst filling my spongelike brain with useful information in my freshman year of college, I lived in the same dorm as Kenneth Pellegrino. On occasion, I would forget to lock the door to my dorm room. These are a few of the notes I would find upon my return.

Chris, its Johnny, but you probably dont remember me. When I twas but a little boy, known as Little Johnny, I would ride mi scooter around the town. One faithful day whilst I was ridding i happened past your house, and outside there you were, just standing there. You glanced at me, which in turn distracted me, causing me to lose control and fall into an open sewer hole. There i lost my arms to mutant alligators, but i fashioned new ones out of poop. Now when i walk around people call me poop arms. The day has come for me to take my vengeance upon you. You will not know where or when my attack will come, but be sure of this…..you WILL smell my presence, and you will pay dearly!

In Loving Regards
Johhny -Poop Arms-

Sorry to intrude but the door was open and it seems you have not learned your lesson about leaving your room un-attended.  I have hidden 5 chinchillas throughout your room and they will explode at 12 tonight unless you find and cook them.  Maybe this will teach you to lock your door when you take a shower.  Cheese is the power which man stems the goliath from.  Think about it.   I shall now turn your screen saver on to stop any further intrusions by beings such as trabka or loughman, they are face giving poo heads, dont hang out with them or you will die.

Thank you for your time.

Whoa….. im in the computer….this is nuts.  How the fuck did this happen.  I was walking through the tulips on a frightful wed. evening and poof, a jack rabbit named tom popped up outta no where and goes “You are a devil fish, I shall now sentence u to life in computer…. Blamo with cheese!”  then I was here.  Whats that noise, is that, it is, it’s a light.  Im going to go to the light, I must touch the light.  TZZZZzzzZZZZZzzzZZZ (general electrocutions sounds) sssssssss (sound of burnt flesh simmereing)

Chris,

It is Jacob, and I am sorry to inform you that I am writing this letter in sadness rather than joy. I have been given the torturous task of informing you that Alexander, your beloved Salamander, has been viciously murdered in the most vicious of viciousness. Alex as you know had a penchant for the finer things in life. His favorite activity was visiting the local Lizard Brothel of SEX. There his favorite mistress was a sultry Iguana known as Laureen. Laureen was involved in some seedy affairs, most notable being the main squeeze of Tony, King of the Chameleon Underground. When Tony, Anthony for short, caught wind of Laureen’s cahooting with Alex, he popped a gasket and ran amuck. Anthony sent a crack team of hard hitting motha suckas down to Alex’s place, proceeded to tie him down and give him a Vietnamese Pipe Bomb. They followed up by breaking every one of Alex’s bones then threw him in a blender on puree. Once done they fed him to Carl the Cat for good measure. They then took Carl’s poop and set it on fire. Well, I won’t give you the really gory details, but Alex is gone, and I’m sorry.

Good day old friend,
Jacob